I still have to take a deep breath before talking about this. We had begun to tell family and friends. We had already made plans, envisioned a future, and dreamt about our new adventures as a family of four.
Last week, in what would have been my 12th week of pregnancy, we lost the baby.
I had been waiting patiently for the end of my first trimester to open up and share the exciting news on the blog. Instead, here I am using this post as a way to heal and cope with our miscarriage.
Before this experience, I could never fully grasp the effects that miscarriage has on one’s life. Never felt the pain, the loss, the sadness, and the emptiness that occurs within oneself.
We didn’t just lose a pregnancy, we lost a child.
One night last week I found myself sitting in bed, wiping away tears and telling my husband how I wished we would have never told anyone we were pregnant. I couldn’t imagine finding the courage to tell everyone the baby was gone now. I later realized that wasn’t true at all. I’m glad our friends and family knew! I can’t imagine keeping this loss a secret and burying my feelings somewhere down deep so no one would ever see them on the surface. That would be torture.
Although I have a hard time living these words every day, I truly believe in them:
“Not my will, but yours be done” – Luke 22:49
God has a plan. It may not be the same plan I have, and most often it is not, but I trust in his plan and I know with incredible certainty that it is the best plan.
I like to think of our child as a little “angel baby” whom we may be able meet in heaven someday. Boy or girl, we’ll never know. I wonder about a lot of things but take comfort in this thought.
I never got to meet my child, feel my child, or see my child but I did get the chance to love my child. And I will always love this child.
He must have needed another angel in his kingdom so he made me a surrogate for heaven.
I thought it was important to write this for myself and for anyone else struggling with miscarriage.
Thanks as always for reading! This blog has been an outlet for me in so many ways and therapeutic in times like these. I truly appreciate your support!
-Lauren
I’m so sorry. I have four children and eight living grandchildren. My son and his wife lost a baby girl, around 24 weeks , our oldest daughter has had miscarriages and my youngest daughter carried a baby boy full term and lost him an hour after birth. It’s tough and tough for Nana too.
I will add you and Dan, grandparents and all who are hurting from the loss of this precious child, to my prayers. Sending many thoughts and hugs your way. Thanks for sharing your story. Love the term Heavens surrogate. God bless you all.
Thank you so much! So sorry to also hear of your losses! As hard as miscarriage has been I really can’t imagine losing a child after birth! I appreciate your kind words and send prayers to your family as well!
With prayers and love to you, your angel baby, and all your family. While there is no understanding, may peace be with you.
Thank you Julie!
So sorry for your loss Moran family, you are all in my prayers.
Thanks Megan! 😊
So sorry! I to miscarried a child after our 2nd! It was one of the most difficult things I have been through. But I did have to more beautiful healthy girls after that. A day doesn’t go by that I don’t think about that baby! Hugs and prayers for your hurting heart! – Lucinda
Thank you Lucinda! Sorry to hear of your loss as well!
Lauren & Dan, I can not express how sorry I am, I know you wanted
this baby really bad, & I am sorry I can’t make it better for you, but time will make it better, be thankful for the cutest little boy I have ever seen that you have him & I am sure God will send you another one( or a dozen) in time, he has a plan for us all, even though we don’t know what or why, it will be good. Love you guys !
Thank you for the kind words, Deanie! We are doing well and definitely feeling blessed every day with our little Ren. God is good! 😊
So sorry that I’m just now seeing this! Saying a prayer for you tonight. This rings all to close to my heart. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Thank you Sara for your sweet comment! We’re doing well but miscarriage is definitely something we’ll never forget. Thanks for prayers, same to you!