I still have to take a deep breath before talking about this. We had begun to tell family and friends. We had already made plans, envisioned a future, and dreamt about our new adventures as a family of four.
Last week, in what would have been my 12th week of pregnancy, we lost the baby.
I had been waiting patiently for the end of my first trimester to open up and share the exciting news on the blog. Instead, here I am using this post as a way to heal and cope with our miscarriage.
Before this experience, I could never fully grasp the effects that miscarriage has on one’s life. Never felt the pain, the loss, the sadness, and the emptiness that occurs within oneself.
We didn’t just lose a pregnancy, we lost a child.
One night last week I found myself sitting in bed, wiping away tears and telling my husband how I wished we would have never told anyone we were pregnant. I couldn’t imagine finding the courage to tell everyone the baby was gone now. I later realized that wasn’t true at all. I’m glad our friends and family knew! I can’t imagine keeping this loss a secret and burying my feelings somewhere down deep so no one would ever see them on the surface. That would be torture.
Although I have a hard time living these words every day, I truly believe in them:
“Not my will, but yours be done” – Luke 22:49
God has a plan. It may not be the same plan I have, and most often it is not, but I trust in his plan and I know with incredible certainty that it is the best plan.
I like to think of our child as a little “angel baby” whom we may be able meet in heaven someday. Boy or girl, we’ll never know. I wonder about a lot of things but take comfort in this thought.
I never got to meet my child, feel my child, or see my child but I did get the chance to love my child. And I will always love this child.
He must have needed another angel in his kingdom so he made me a surrogate for heaven.
I thought it was important to write this for myself and for anyone else struggling with miscarriage.
Thanks as always for reading! This blog has been an outlet for me in so many ways and therapeutic in times like these. I truly appreciate your support!